have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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