ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
