I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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