a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i love accidental penises.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
