We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize