fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
