If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
