You really coming over, don't trick.
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
