god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
