I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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