Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
