i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
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