Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
