I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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