So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize