Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
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