Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
