Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize