How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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