have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
