Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
