she woke up with a sticky ear
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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