if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
