It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
