My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
