Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize