I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Randomize
