so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
