My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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