Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
