do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
