i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
