3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
