Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize