just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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