i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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