Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
