Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
