I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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