Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
