that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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