Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
