I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
