there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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