Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
