I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
