I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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