wanna go halves on a baby?
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
