My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
