New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize