Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
