I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize