she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
