I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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