end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
