I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
