you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize