Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
