My hair reeks of homosexuality.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
