the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Randomize
