Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize