i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
