When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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