She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
