hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Randomize
