Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
So many bounce houses so little time
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
