I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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