she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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